I wonder.

Lately, I have heard about happy things that have happened to my friends - one of them just got engaged, the other one has already been engaged for two years. Everyone seems to be in a happy relationship, one has dated the same guy for six months, one for seven.

I don't really know what love is, or what it's like to have a crush on someone. A real crush that sticks to you like a gum to your hair.
I have dated twice. At first, I thought I really was in love - or at least had a crush on them. But I wonder, was it really love? If yes, how can it be that feelings wither away so fast? The first time - six months and then I ended it. The second time - only two months.
If it wasn't love... Then what is? I used to think... No, I'm not sure what I used to think. I don't even know what I think  right now.

I hate that I'm the one who has to hurt people. I would rather be dumped by a guy I really really like, than break someone's heart. Giving someone hope, telling that I like him too... I'm afraid to do that anymore, even if I felt that way.
Because in the end, I might just end up hurting him.

I wonder why someone could love me. I might just be something broken, something damaged.


PS. I also wonder - as that seems to be the theme of the day - if people who are reading this think I'm really depressed/depressing person. I can assure you, I am not (at least I hope so!).
This blog is just a way for me to let out all my deepest dreams, hopes, thoughts, fears, the things I can't really bring myself to talk about. Because I am what I am - an awkward person.