The feeling.

At 6:30 AM the feeling strikes me.
The sudden certainty that she'll die.

My stomach hurts, my eyes sting. I see it before my eyes, how it'd happen. I'd get a text message from my dad, when I'm at school.
She passed away this morning.
Just like what happened before. Wishing that it would be just deja vu, I'd stare at my phone.

But this is not the reality. She isn't going to die, not yet. She is fine. She will recover.
She is strong.

But the thought, the fear, it kept me up for another hour.

At 8:45 AM I woke up and went to school.
At 11 AM I knew she was fine.

Disappointed, tired & anxious.

It's 4:24 AM and I'm not sure why am I still awake.
School starts today and it's making me anxious. I feel disappointed in myself. There was so much things I swore I'd do on my Autumn break, but which I failed to do. I loathe myself for being such a lazy person.

Lately I've been more tired than usual. Of course, my sleeping pattern is messed up and I probably don't get enough sleep, but it's not just physical tiredness. I'm tired mentally. I kind of expected this, because my depression gets worse around this time of the year, but after having a great summer I wished I'd be better this year.
I guess I shouldn't get my hopes too high.

On November the 21st, it's going to be 4 years from my mother's death.

Strong.

Today I wrote a long letter-ish thing for my friend. She needed help, and I offered my shoulder so she could lean against it.
I can't help but think that I have grown as a person. Being able to give advice to people, being able to offer my help... those things weren't part of my reality before. I was miserable, pathetic, weak.
Now I'm strong.

Strong but yet still afraid. But strength isn't having no fears at all - strength is being able to face your fears and overcome them. That is what I'd like to think, at least.

I've been thinking a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's a good thing.